The Rules
by Beaker Bait
Summary: For all new personnel Both Civilian and Military from Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: To save both you and myself a lot of trouble and headache I have compiled a list of simple rules to help make life easier for all involved.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Rules.

Summary: **For all new personnel (Both Civilian and Military) from Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:** _To save both you and myself a lot of trouble and headache I have compiled a list of simple rules to help make life easier for all involved. _

Spoilers: Nothing specific really but to be safe anything from season one and two is fair game.

Warnings: None really.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. Only the story line and any made up characters that may appear in the story belong to me.

A/N: I know, I know this idea has probably been done to death but it was something to do to keep myself entertained during class this week since I had nothing else to do.

A/N2: Thank you Myriad and kittytrysin for pointing out some errors I made - That's what I get for typing this up at two in the morning and not having it beta read. Errors have now all hopefully been fix. Constructive criticism is appreciated.

--

Walking to the Mess Hall for lunch Elizabeth paused when she noticed a small group of personal gathered around out side the Mess Hall doors. Curious she moved closer to see what had their attention. Reading the paper John – she would recognize that chicken scratch handwriting of his anywhere – had taped up Elizabeth nearly choked on the sip of coffee she'd just taken.

**The Rules**

**For all new personnel (Both civilian and Military) from Lt. Colonel John Sheppard:**

_To save both you and myself a lot of trouble and headache I have compiled a list of simple rules to help make life easier for all involved._

_(Keep in mind that I have been in this galaxy longer than you and therefore know what I am talking about. Please take these rules seriously)._

1.) **In the Pegasus Galaxy one should always take Murphy's Law to heart.**

-- The guy knew what he was talking about.

-- Anything that can go wrong _will_ go wrong.

-- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

-- If there is a worst time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

-- Murphy was a grunt.

2.) **No battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy.**

-- Especially if that enemy is a Wraith that has been marooned on a planet for 10,000 years.

3.) **If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.**

-- Especially keep this in mind when dealing with the Genii. They may not seem like it at first but they can be sneaky bastards when motivated.

4.) **If you want something badly enough, chances are you won't get it.**

-- ZPMs are a great example of this rule.

-- See mission reports dealing with M7G-677 (Planet with all the kids) and Dagan (The Brotherhood planet) for more detailed explanation.

5.) **Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.**

-- As if a super storm from hell wasn't bad enough, Kolya and his men had to try and take my city. (Bastards).

-- Any time the Wraith show up.

6.) **If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.**

-- Mist Aliens making you think you've made it back to Earth.

-- Ascended chicks.

-- Ancient super weapons (See Doranda/ Project Arcturus mission report).

-- Ancient warship with its crew in stasis pods with a vital piece of information on how to damage Wraith technology (See Aurora mission report).

-- Any alliances made with the Wraith.

7.) **Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.**

-- I will let this one speak for itself.

8.) **Never argue with women.**

-- Especially if your boss happens to be one.

9.) **The best solution, usually involves suicidal charges towards the enemy.**

-- Flying a Puddle Jumper with a nuke in the back towards a Wraith Hive ship.

10.) **Not normal things are the norm in the Pegasus Galaxy.**

-- Life sucking Aliens.

-- Giant black energy sucking clouds.

-- An older time traveling version of your boss.

-- Having another persons consciousness in your head.

-- Being transformed into a bug.

_'Only you John, only you.'_ Elizabeth thought shaking her head slightly. With the hint of a smirk on her face Elizabeth continued into the Mess Hall.

--

A/N: I have some ideas for more things to add to the list, review and let me know if I should continue. Suggestions for the list are also welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

Several days later Elizabeth was once again heading for the Mess Hall. John's list was still posted by the door, pausing she noticed that several more rules had been added to the list and judging by the different handwritings John wasn't the only one who had decided to impart his wisdom on the new personnel.

11.) **In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.  
**--CoughKavanaghCough

12.) **Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'**

13.) **Plan A never works, Plan B rarely works, it's Plan C you always go with.**

14.) **Things get worse under pressure.  
**-- Being trapped underwater in a sinking Puddle Jumper.

-- Trying to get a stupid ZPM working while the Wraith are breathing down your neck.

-- Saving the city from a super storm from hell.

-- Wraith computer viruses.

-- You get the idea.

15.) **You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.**

16.) **Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.  
**-- Pretty much all the aliens in this galaxy.

17.) **The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.  
**-- Note that while the military grunts get to play with guns and such things, the scientists get to play with things like nuclear bombs.

18.) **Death is not necessarily permanent.  
**-- There are ways to cheat death, it is not always easy but it can be done.

-- Dr. Daniel Jackson is a perfect example of this rule (Doesn't matter that he isn't in this galaxy the rule is still true).

19.) **Mother nature is a bitch.  
**-- See super storm from hell (thankfully that only comes once every twenty years).

20.) **The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.  
**-- See mission report dealing with the above.

Chuckling softly Elizabeth continued on her way, knowing full well that that wasn't the last of the rules. No doubt more people would be adding to the list trying to see who could come up with the funniest or strangest rules. The thing was bound to mutate out of control at some point but for the moment she didn't see any harm it letting John and the others have their fun, the list in a way could be seen as a therapeutic way to relieve stress and as long as things stayed relatively clean and innocent Elizabeth wasn't going to put a stop to it.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks to those of you who have given list ideas_

--

Strolling down the corridor past the Mess Hall John stopped to take a look at his handy work. It had been almost two weeks since he'd first posted the list of rules thinking it would give people a nice laugh for a day or two and that would be that. Little had he known at the time that it would mutate from a little joke to what lay before him now. The wall was almost completely covered with pieces of paper listing all kinds of different rules.

21.) **Coffee and chocolate are your best friend when dealing with...  
**-- Scientists

-- Women during that time of the month. (John smirked seeing that this last one had been typed out and pasted to the list, whoever posted it was a smart man).

22.) **Getting into the enemies mind is a big no no.**  
-- The Wraith have damn scary and confusing minds

-- It hurts!

-- It can come back to bite you in the ass.

23.) **Bug spray, always carry bug spray.  
**-- Iratus bug, 'nough said.

24.) **If your mission off world is going well, odds are you're walking into an ambush.  
**-- For the right price even supposed allies will sell you out to the enemy. (See Genii coup mission report).

25.) **The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.  
**-- See above mission report.

26.)**If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.  
**-- Again see above mission report

27.) **In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.  
**-- Observe McKay

28.) **When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.  
**-- See Zelenka for lessons.

29.) **You are not Superman.  
**-- Would certain personnel in this city - McKay, Sheppard - please take note of this rule.

30.) **The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions; -when they're ready. -when you're not.  
**-- The wraith attack against Atlantis.

31.) **Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.  
**-- Stupid Genii grunts shooting at valuable Ancient equipment needed to save Atlantis from a super storm from hell. (Side note has anyone else noticed how often the Genii seem to be used as examples on this list?)

32.) **The one item you need is always in short supply.  
**-- ZPMs

33.) **The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).  
**-- Observe Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay.

34.) **Walking point - sniper bait.  
**-- The one on point is always hit with the Wraith stunner blast first.

35.) **If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face.  
**-- Hoffans.

-- Ellia

-- Michael

36.) **When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.  
**--Kolya

--Wraith

37.) **In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.  
**-- What were the Ancients thinking building an outpost on top of a super-volcano?

38.) **Friendly fire - _Isn't  
_**-- Even if minds of alien beings have temporarily taken them over you do _not_ shoot at your own people - unless it is with a Wraith stunner or something as equally non life threatening.

39.) **KISS...Keep It Simple, Stupid.  
**-- Do you really need this one spelled out for you?

40.) **Any problem can be solved with the right amount of high explosives.  
**-- Killing a 10,000 year old Wraith

-- Capturing a Wraith.

-- Trade negotiations.

-- Blowing up Wraith Hive ships.

-- Over throwing you planet's government.

With a satisfied grin on his face John started strolling down the corridor again, wondering what people would come up with next. It was kind of amazing the things one learned while living in another galaxy.


	4. Chapter 4

_Last chapter for now since I'm out of list ideas. I may come back to this at a later date._

--

Unable to sleep Elizabeth wandered the corridors of Atlantis, pen and paper in hand. The list of rules had been up for several weeks now and Elizabeth decided it was time she made her own contribution to _'The Wall' _as everyone was calling it these days. She first skimmed over all of the new entries made since she last checked _'The Wall'._

**Serious wounds are to be taken seriously.**  
-- Even if the wound is just on your arm.

**-- **No splinters do not count as serious wounds

**If it's stupid but it works, it isn't so stupid.**  
-- Chasing a virus controlled F-302 into the coronosphere of a sun to destroy it.

-- Taking a large dose of Wraith enzyme in order to escape your captives.

-- Taking on a 10,000 year old super Wraith by yourself.

**There is no such thing as a perfect plan.**  
-- Trying to destroy a Wraith Hive ship with C-4.

**Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.**

**When in doubt, empty your magazine.**  
-- This works especially well with the Wraith (so long as they haven't recently fed).

**Military Intelligence is a contradiction.**

**Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.**  
-- All civilian personnel should take this rule to heart.

**A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.  
**-- Detonating a nuclear explosion in the atmosphere to wipe out a nanovirus.

-- Flying a Puddle Jumper towards a Wraith Hive ship with a nuke in the back.

**If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.  
**-- See above for some examples. (Keeping in mind that if it works is not so stupid).

**If the enemy is within range, so are you.**

**Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.**

**There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.**  
-- Especially if that someone is a Wraith determined to suck the life out of you.

**When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.  
**-- The Wraith have an annoying habit of showing up after you've secured an area.

**Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.**

**Don't ever be the first, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.  
**-- Especially don't volunteer if you have the ATA gene and the scientists want you to activate something that they have no idea what it is.

-- Don't be first when solving a puzzle to find a ZPM.

**Don't pick on the scientists.  
**-- They're the ones who usually end up pulling your ass out of the fire.

**Don't piss off the medical staff.  
**-- They're the one who put you back together after the aforementioned scientists pull your ass out of the fire.

-- They have access to large needles.

-- They have access to all kinds of unpleasant drugs.

**"This won't hurt, I promise." is total bullshit.  
**-- Especially when those words are spoken by someone in the medical profession.

**If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!**

Smiling at some of the more inventive rules Elizabeth put the finishing touches on her rules, then rearranged some of the papers already up so that she could post her rules in the center of _''The Wall' _where everyone would be sure to see them - it was her perogative as the expedition leader.

**Leadership can be Confusing As Hell.  
**-- Being surrounded by scientists that like to use big complicated words, why it wouldn't be?

**You cannot successfully determine beforehand what will go wrong next.  
**-- You can wish all you want but it will _never_ happen.

**Paper work breeds.  
**-- It tends to do more so when you're not looking.

**It is possible to age ten years in one day.  
**-- A certain Air Force pilot and astrophysicist can usually be blamed for this phenomenom.

**Learn to sleep with your eyes open.  
**-- During boring meetings this lets you catch up on the sleep you missed staying up reading reports the night before while making people think you're listening to them.

**You are surrounded by children trapped in adult bodies.**  
-- This is especially true in regard to Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay.

Satisfied Elizabeth headed for her room, hoping to get a few hours of sleep in before the briefing she had in the morning.

--

After a few months the rule posting died down a bit, but didn't completely fade a way, every so often a new rule could be found posted onto _'The Wall'_. By that time the entire section of wall on both sides of the Mess Hall doors were covered with papers listing all kinds of rules, some funny, some ridiculous, and some leaning towards serious. Never once since John had first posted that first set of rules had anyone thought to take them down, _'The Wall'_ was now as much a part of the city as anyone or anything.

Whenever any new personnel arrived in the city they would immediately be directed to _'The Wall'_ where they were expected to stay until they had read and understood every rule posted before being allowed to do anything. _'The Wall' _had become a part of the many traditions the Atlantis personnel had started over the years since the original expedition members had first arrived in the city and they didn't see it ending any time soon.


End file.
